The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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