i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
