I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
