See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
