last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
