wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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