party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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