Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
