someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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