why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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