i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
