margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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