I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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