we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
