apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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