I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
