I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
