u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
