He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
