I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Sorry about my life...
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
