He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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