From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
