Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
