I got chris browned last night
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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