Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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