i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
