Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
