My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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