I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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