I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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