Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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