I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
