walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
