I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
