I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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