You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
