Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
