I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
