I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
We left an ass print on the piano.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
