I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
