why do cheetos always look like penises
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
