before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
