Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
