buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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