There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
