Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
