I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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