Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
