Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
