highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
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