I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
